Friday, January 13, 2006

Blood and European STD chicks

Hostel
Directed by: Eli Roth (Cabin Fever)
Starring: Jay Hernandez and a bunch of stinky European whores.



Hostel is the sophomore effort from Eli Roth, whose first entry was the bloody cult hit “Cabin Fever.” While not a big fan of “Cabin Fever,” I did recognize the talent involved. Roth had an eye for gore, cinematic manipulation, and a feel for the B-movie creepiness that is nearly gone today.

With “Hostel,” Roth is able to further explore his gory B-moviedom with glee. A very mildly budgeted film, Roth makes the most of the material, cast, crew, and locations.

The story centers on three men backpacking through Europe looking to fuck as many women as possible in as many places as possible. And maybe go to a museum. The trio is led by Jay Hernandez, who you may remember as the guy that was fucking Kirsten Dunst in the uber-turd “Crazy/Beautiful.”

Hernandez is your typical frat-boy male, full of testosterone and arrogance, while his best friend is a repressed writer. Their third friend is an Icelandic man named Olie who says “Of Course, my Horse” a lot.

There’s a lot of set-up as we get to see these guy’s misadventures in getting prostitutes, getting kicked out of clubs and drinking themselves stupid. Your typical Eurotrip.

Then, they run into a creepy guy named Alex, who shows them pictures of lots of hot, naked European sluts and tells the men where to go to find a bevy of women just like that. The boys eat it up and take the first train out.

The train takes them to a Slovakian country (the real name escapes me) and they head to the local Hostel (in case you don’t know, hostel is the same as a hotel in Europe…stupid.)

Anyways, the poor boys are forced to stay in a room with, yup, you guessed it, two hot European sluts. The sluts invite the boys down to the spa and they follow. We are treated to lots of nudity, but nothing shocking.

The two European sluts are hot in that heavy make up, Russian accent, twigged bodied kind of way. To me, they seem to ooze the word STD. If I were single and in Europe and on a backpacking trip (fuck it, while we’re creating what ifs, I also have super powers and ten million dollars in my left pocket) I’d probably wear at least three condoms and pour alcohol and hydrogen peroxide on the bumping uglies, just to be safe.

Then, I’d burn the bed.

Anyways, the boys get lucky and pork the Euro-sluts. It’s a great night of drunken debauchery. Then, the next morning their buddy Ollie is missing and they look around for him. No dice.

They start to feel weird about it and decide to take off. Enough is enough. But, the allure of the Euro-sluts drags them back in and they give it one more night. This time the wussy-writer passes out and awakens in a dungeon-like room, filled with all types of sharp tools and power tools.

Obviously, he’s fucking scared.


Then a man enters the room, wearing a rubber suit and gloves and SARS mask. He approaches and is revealed to be a man from the train the boys rode in on. The wussy-writer pleads for his life but is instead tortured, cut, drilled, etc. He’s toyed with and then finally killed.

There, I ruined the movie for ya.

Anyways, Hernandez wakes up the next day and can’t find his pal so he goes searching. He finds the Euro-sluts in a bar and questions them. They’re different this time, no make up, pimples exposed, eyes dead. They look like dried up prostitutes that are in need of a fix.

Hernandez demands to know where his friends are and one of the sluts tells him she’ll show him. Hernandez rides in the car with her and they head to a big, abandoned industrial complex. The Euro-slut escorts him in and leads him down a darkened hallway.

Apprehensive, Hernandez follows and walks by a series of rooms, each one containing a man torturing someone in some very creative way. Obviously he freaks and is suddenly grabbed and taken into a room to be tortured himself.

Now, I’d ruin the whole thing if I told you what happened from here, but rest assured it’s one of the best “revenge” plots to come around in a while. The audience was cheering and laughing with each little incident from this point to the end, all of which wrapped the movie up in a nice little package.

“Hostel” is a nicely crafted B-movie, done with style, wit, and a sharp eye towards the great movie horror tricks. Roth is a true talent and I look forward to seeing what he has to offer up in the future. With a $20 million opening weekend a “Hostel 2” is already in the cards and that’s good. It’s nice to see a filmmaker work with a small budget and put some heart and creativity into his work, rather than take a huge chunk of change to make some paint-by-numbers summer tent pole flick.

The gore is pretty good, but not above and beyond. Perhaps I am desensitized to gore, having seen way too much of the real deal to ever make a comparison, but the gore here is good, not great. It’s enjoyable enough to fit the film and I’m sure that’s enough for most people.

Movie Grade: B+

6 comments:

Mr. Boy said...

It's interesting. I know people who went to screenings where the audience booed, hissed, and demanded their money back.

I know people who went to screenings and really dug it.

I've heard the stories where people allegedly passed out during the torture scenes.

I knew you would dig the movie (and I haven't even scene it).

But with all that being said, I'm comfortable in my assessment that I'm a seasoned enough movie-goer to the point where I know what I'll like and I know what I won't.

Good movie or not -- there ain't no way in the ass scaulding' fires of Hades that I'm going to watch this movie.

Well spoken review though, as always.

Cherie said...

I want to meet the pussy ass who passed out during this movie. Give me a break!
Hostel was entertaining and fun to watch with a friend who was sipping from a flask the entire movie.

Paul said...

Truth be told Mr. Boy, my friend sitting next to me actually yelled out "That movie fucking sucked!" as the credits rolled out. Although, she was inebriated, so I don't know how valid it was.

However, Mr. Boy, you of all people should be apt to watch any and all movies out there, no matter their reputation. I genuinely try to watch as much as possible, good and bad.

The benefits of watching movies you think you'll hate will help you weigh in on what you think is good. And many times you'll find yourself surprised.

This doesn't mean you have to see them all in the theaters...DVD is just as well. Netflix has allowed me to see a lot of movies I'm glad I avoided in theaters and has actually opened me up to some great ones.

It's an age old film technique, Mr. Boy. Watch as many movies as you can.

Don't be a sissy because there's blood. I actually think you'd enjoy the revenge aspect in the second half of this film. It's pretty good.

I really have no respect to people that pass out watching movies. I don't think that everyone has to be a jaded vet like myself and have horrible images instilled in their mind to make them numb to violence, but I do think they should be made of sterner stuff.

If I ever see someone pass out in a movie, I'm stealing their purse or wallet and I'm going to draw sharpie eyebrows on their face, "latina-style."

Then, I'm gonna sell them to a Slovakian torture house.

If you choose to see a movie like "Hostel" then you should know what you're getting into. (unless it's a test screening, obviously)

The moral of the story is, don't be a cotton-headed ninnimuggins when it comes to seeing something out of your comfort zone, especially you Mr. Boy. You're a filmmaker.

I even gave Phantom of the Opera a chance. For five minutes. And Herbie Fully Loaded...I watched it in fast forward, but I still gave it a shot. Both of them were crap and I can say that absolutely now, but otherwise I'd be talking out of my ass.

Sometimes the best value you can get out of a movie is knowing that it sucks. You'll never have to experience it again.

Jojo said...

All present at Mr. Shirey's viewing of this film clearly know here I stand on this film, and I quote myself: "This is the stupidest f----ing movie EVER." I know the comment does no justice to the talents of the reviewer, but I shall not waste another beat of my heart or flick of a finger on this shite film. Please, Dear GOD, watch something else.

Sincerely,
Kelly

agent Y said...

I cant believe you actually paid good, hard earned moola to watch this crap. Wait...yes I can.

Mary has mos def got one up on this badboy...it's called "The Cannibal Holocaust" and I watched it with the pillow in front of my face at least half the way thru it. But I would be the pussy who passed out during this movie, so...

Paul said...

agent y,
I thought for sure you were made of the stern stuff. There's no room for peeps that pee down their leg at the sight of blood.

jo jo,
I think your out loud comments actually contributed to my enjoyment of the movie. I wish you were there for Brokeback Mountain. :)