My Fair Christmas

Well, Christmas has come and gone and it always seems like so much build up and then a quick and fast release then it's back to normal again. Just like that time with the Korean prostitute I picked up in Spenard.

Anyways, I had a grand Christmas and recieved many a gift that was unexpected and undeserving. Not that I've been naughty all year, but certainly not nice. I was surely on Santa's "purgatory" list.

With that being said, here are my top three favorite gifts of Christmas. These gifts were all a complete surprise and brought such a look of puzzlement upon my face that not even a mouse could decipher. Sorry. You didn't really think I was gonna make a whole freakin' poem about Christmas did you? Come on. Really.

Gift no. 1
"Uncle Buck" DVD

Yep. Good ol' Uncle Buck. Now, you know that this had to be a surprise. I mean, seriously, how many people actually ask for "Uncle Buck" for Christmas?









"What do you want for Christmas this year, honey?"
"Hmmm. Well, there's that Korean prostitute in Spenard. A Ferrari. X-box 360. Oh, and Uncle Buck on DVD. I freakin' love that movie!"

Now, I saw "Uncle Buck" in the theaters when it first came out and remember being moderately satisfied if not overly satisfied. It seems that, as a kid, we tend to give movies way too much credit and upon viewing them in adulthood find that these childhood favorites are pretty fuckin' awful.

Anyways, "Buck" isn't awful or great. It does feature John Candy, who was inarguably a great comedian, playing the similar role of an obnoxious fish-out-of-water character who vacuums Frosted Flakes off his shirt. Then there's the sneak preview of the little ball of joy known as McCauley Culkin, who gives us a little tease of his "Home Alone" cuteness. Just enough to want to strangle him.

Then, of course there's the message of teen sex, which says...well, I don't really know what it says. I guess it says you should wait...at least until your overbearing Uncle Buck heads out of town and then start becoming a promiscuous whore. Yeah, that was it.

Gift no. 2
Harmonica

Oh, you bet your ass it's real. I'm sure the elves worked extra hard on this bad boy, because it's relatively easy to play. Even so, I still suck and even though it came with an instruction manual, I think I'm gonna learn Eddie Van Halen-style and just practice til my lips bleed (why is it we must always practice til we bleed? Is that really the sign that you've worked hard? Maybe it's the sign that you're too dumb to know when to stop for the day)

I don't know how Santa knew I wanted this because, well, I didn't know I wanted it. But sure as shit, there it is, under the tree and now in my hands. It's great for scaring the dogs and playing at top volume while your wife is trying to sleep, but it's gonna take some time for me to get it right. Once I get one of those hook-up deals that connects it to your mouth I'm gonna go play in the neighborhood, right next to the kids selling lemonade. Who would pass by a lemonade stand with a guy playing a harmonica?

Uh-huh. That's right, get out your dollarbills 'cause Papa Harmonica is comin' to town. (please note, I do not know what the fuck I'm talking about here.)

Gift no. 3
1-2-3 Art Set

Okay, yes, I am an artist. Some don't know that. I draw all kinds of shit, mostly comic book-style. I am definately an above average talent in that venue, but everyone has their opinion. Now, we all get gifts from well-meaning and thoughtful people who may not have all the details about us before they throw down their hard-earned cash.

Such is the case here. A generous and thoughtful gift to be sure. However, it is a surprise as I haven't done color work that wasn't through a computer in a loooong time. Now, perhaps this could spark a new shot of inspiration into me. Who knows. I'll stare at it for a while and see what happens. I may stare at it so long that I end up walking next door and giving it to the neighbor kids.

Anyways, with 44 jumbo oil pastels, 36 color pencils, 24 watercolor cakes(?), 12 6cc watercolors, 1 HB drawing pencil, 2 2B drawing pencils, 1 paint brushes, 1 eraser, and 1 sharpener, I could certainly paint the fuck out of some caves. God bless Mrs. Claus for sending this along, but it is a head-scratcher. Yes, I realize that children in Afghanistan would love such a gift, but you forgot one thing. They don't celebrate Christmas, so too fucking bad for them. I gave them a shitload of fruit roll ups when I was there so screw off, I'm goin' to Heaven, okay?

So, with these three gifts I am armed to have a successful 2006. I am unstoppable. I am the harmonica wielding artist who travels from town to town in order to spread the message of Uncle Buck while painting pictures of my journey in caves and helping neighborhood children sell lemonade.

If you'd like to join in my quest, please bring your three best Christmas gifts and a good pair of walking shoes and your $2,000 membership fee to my house and leave it at the door. I will shoot off some fireworks nearby to let you know when we begin.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!